Sometimes I forget.
I was in Vagina Monologues.
Changed my life.
I quit a journal,
and started another.
Four years ago, all I wore was pink.
I now own nothing resembling cotton candy or 80s carnations besides my fluffy slippers.
I've changed.
I've lived in the dorms, a 4 person apartment, on a boat, in a sorority house, in south america, in a 2 person apartment, my car, and now in a brothel (not a real brothel - 10 ladies, 1 house).
All in three years.
I've met two best friends and lost touch with others.
I've questioned my faith, forgotten about it, and slowly started to rediscover it.
I embarrassedly saw the Vagina Monologues - wondering if it was against my religion - and two years later spread my legs in front of 2,400 people as the opening act.
I now even cuss occasionally.
I've changed.
I want to mention now that somebody recently complimented me on my writing, which, as extremely flattering as it is, makes me super nervous. I feel like I have to produce some excellent blog worthy of compliments, when all I want to do is sort through my recent and not so recent past. Why I choose a public forum like a blog when I don't want to care about what people are thinking is a god question, for which I have no answer.
But I'm finally putting my head down to write this. Literally. As I lay here ont he carpet in the middle of my room in the brothel, my face is literally smushed into the leftover carpet from my Santa Cruz house. Yep, I still like writing and doing homework sprawled out on the floor. Some things never change.
I can't believe I keep changing. Every time I go through a major transformation, I think something down inside me says, "okay, now I get it." I don't know what "it" is. Life? How everything works? A bit presumptuous, I think.But if I'm not presuming that I understand something so large, then why am I continually surprised when I change again.
Side note: Another thing that hasn't changed is that I still hate being told what to do. Hate it. Want me to not like you/be seriously annoyed? Want IMMEDIATE results? Tell me what to do on anything I didn't ask your advice or opinion on. Works every time. I know it's something I should be more graceful on, but until I work that kink out, just don't do it. I mean, really, that's not a road you want to travel down. After you do it (especially if you do it repeatedly!), I'll avoid you like the plague.
But back to the things that have changed. . .I don't even know where to start. Which I guess is okay, since I already started. But do I go chronologically? Categorically? How do I explain all the ways I've changed?
And where is my jumping off point? You know? Where's my baseline that I'm showing my deviation from? And I'm nowhere near a finished product . . . so just how do I go about doing this?
I don't think I can.
How do you compare the changes between a bundle of balloons and a Picasso painting? They're different. Some similarities, maybe, like the shapes or colors. But very different, and in a such a way that you don't even know where to start.
Uhh. . . one's a bundle of balloons and the other is a Picasso painting?
Exactly.
One is me before and the other is me now?
Sounds okay to me.
So I don't think I can sum me up in a blog post. I don't think that I can show my changes. I think the best I can do is talk about who I am now, and let you see the changes for yourself. These posts go back quite awhile, and I'll try to be more consistent in the future.
So who am I today?
Lila June Carpenter. 21 years old. Christian & questioning. PACS major Global Poverty & Practice minor. I love sleeping. I have great friends from Semester At Sea, Berkeley, and Santa Cruz that I love dearly. I don't always get along with my family. I hate it when people tell me what to do. I am more confident in myself than I was before, but still sometimes need encouragement. I love dancing. Although I don't think I'll be spelling it "womyn" anytime soon, Vagina Monologues gave me a new appreciation for women and the strength in being one. I am highly sensitive to stereotyping and assumptions, and as a result started and run a new publication of campus called the Human Journal. I like long walks on the beach, sunsets, and poking dead thing with a stick. I'm a work in progress.
