Dear Bugs

Dear Bugs,
I don't know why it is that you've decided to spare my face while continuing to cover other exposed inch of my skin with your eternally painful little love-bites, but I just wanted to say thank you for sparing the money maker.
Love,
Lila
P.S. Just in case I didn't make it clear before, if I catch you in my territory (inside enclosed walls, on my body, etc.), I'll kill you.

Forgiveness & The Future

I should be working right now. I have class in 23 minutes, and I should be working.

But during lecture today - which, by the way, was one of the best lectures I've ever had the honor of hearing - te professor mentioned something that started a train of thought I felt like sharing.

He was talking about Islam, and he said that in Islam there is the theory that when given the opportunity, it is better to forgive. And better, not necessairly for the person being forgiven, but for you, the forgiver.

I agree. I remember a very distinct sense of forgiveness I felt a couple years ago. Someone once said that holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. When I forgave, it was like I was given the antidote to the bitter poison I had been drinking.

I applied to work at Camp Hammer the summer after my freshmen year. This had been my plan for. . . a decade leading up to it. I poured my heart into my application and waited with great expectations.

I was rejected.

It was heartbreaking for me, and I was angry. I felt like I had gone through a break up. Camp Hammer had been a big part of my life for a long time, and the dream of working there had been constant since I was 7 and first went to mini-camp. Whenever I saw someone wearing a Camp Hammer sweatshirt or talking about Camp Hammer, I felt personally insulted. I was bitter about all thing Camp Hammer related, and didn't want to see, hear, or be a part of anything affiliated.

I forget what the switch was, but eventually I came to accept the situation. I felt like God must have bigger and better plans for me (that's what I'm supposed to think as a Christian, right?), and eventually (LONG eventually), I came to be okay with not working at Camp Hammer. I forgave Camp Hammer (as weird as that sounds) for rejecting me.

That same afternoon that I forgave Camp Hammer in my head, I got a facebook request for the Camp Hammer fan page. I remember starring at the invitation with the "accept" and "reject" buttons staring back at me.

I chose "accept."

That's when the flood came. I remember it so clearly. It was - literally - like being washed with cool water. Any bitterness left in me was gone, any anger burried deep inside vanished. I felt clean and light and free.

That's the feeling that I thought of when Dr. Amr Abdalla mentioned that forgiveness is good for the forgiver.

Then I started thinking, "hmm...what ever happened to that summer?"

My next thought was: "Holy Crap."

The summer I had planned to go to Camp Hammer, I actually ended up staying in Berkeley. That was the summer I took my first PACS course. Having that summer free let me prepare for and go on Semester At Sea, which fed my desire to travel; allowed me to travel the world; solidified my desire to be a PACS major; flipped my faith on it's head which evnentually made it stronger; put me in some of my most challenging and fulfilling classes that I still reference and refer to; and introduced me to my two best friends without whom I would not be the same person.

If I had worked at Camp Hammer that summer, I'm not sure if I would have been on Semester at Sea. . . Knowing me, I probably would have, BUT I wouldn't have had nearly the same experience without going in knowing what I knew from that PACS class. That one PACS class (that, according to me 3 years ago, I wasn't supposed to take because I was supposed to be at Camp Hammer) changed my life. I got to study under Francesca Giovani, who is phemoninal, and it gave me a lens through with to see and apply everything I learned during SAS.

I wouldn't be the same person if I had been accepted to Camp Hammer. I DEFINITELY wouldn't be hear studying at the University of Peace in Costa Rica for the summer had I not have taken that class what seems like such a long time ago.

This is one of those things that just adds to my faith in God. Things like that don't just happen. I was the perfect candidate for Camp (well, according to me). I wanted it SO BADLY. If I had control, I would have given myself the job, and then where would I be now?

I'm so happy that I don't control everything. I'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason. I'm also a firm believer that you get to create your own destiny. That I get to create my own destiny.

But I can't do that by holding a grudge that something didn't work out or that someone did something I didn't like. Only when I forgive them can I stop dragging a ball-and-chain around and give myself the freedom to create my own destiny.

You can't bend me out of shape if I'm flexible, and you can't weigh me down if I refuse to carry the grudge.

So future, watch out. I'm coming for you.

Mountains & Me

I don't like mountain climbing or hiking or death wishes or whatever you want to call it. I don't. They're not fun for me. I don't "enjoy the process" or "take in the view" or whatever.

So then why the heck do I keep going on these stupid hikes?????????????


I thought about it, and there are two reasons:

1) I don't like being left out. If something is happening, I want to do it to.
2) If I didn't do it, it would be because I thought I couldn't. And the second I think I can't do something, I HAVE TO DO IT to prove to myself that I can. I don't like people telling me what I can & can't do - even if the "people" are inside my head.

So I climbed a mountain today. It was HUGE! The hike started a 5:40am and went until I was about 30 seconds from death. PLUS it was a whole bunch of supper fit Chris-like kids that were all "let's run it!" Ridiculous.

Luckily I had a patient budy (Marian!!!) who was about my pace. . . okay, she made herself about my pace so that I wouldn't feel bad (don't you just love people like that?).

And we eventually made it to the top! Hurray!!!

The whole time up, I kept thinking "What is WRONG with me?!" I think of all the dumb mountains that I climb - Machu Piccu in Peru, the tallest mountain in Ghana, even just the little one we did a little bit ago here - and I DON'T LIKE THEM.

But I knew what kept me pushing forward.

It's the sumit.

Not necessarily looking around the summit. The views are usually nice, but, today for example, I was a little distracted trying not to keel over that didn't really notice anything but the blurr of green.

Nope, it's the feeling of reaching the summit. Of knowing that I did it. Of knowing that I did something that, if I had all the information in the beginning about how hellish the hike would have been, I wouldn't have thought that I could do. Knowing that something was physically and mentally difficult, but that I did it.

I just feel. . . powerful. Empowered.

It's addicting.

And as grueling as the hike was, I would do it again. I mean, not in the FUTURE I wouldn't (hell no!), but if I could go back to yesterday and talk to the me that was debating wheter or not she should go, I would tell her to go.

I'm so impressed with myself for making it to the top. (Does that sound conceded? Hmm. . . I don't care. You have to give credit where credit is due, and I deserve credit).

It was one of the hardest climbs I've ever done. And I did it.

=-)

Sloths, Conflict, & Communism

Hey everyone. This entry may end up being cut short because class starts soon, but right now I have to stay at the computer because I'm trying to make a zip file and it's downloading and I feel like if I leave, the computer will fall asleep and I'll have to start ALL OVER. And that could take awhile. So I thought I'd blog for a bit until I have to go to class.

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Change of plans. (it's 5 minutes later from the line above). I am now quitting the zip file zipping (it says it's going to take MORE time than it said 5 minutes ago, and it won't finish before school anyways). So instead of blogging, I'm going to go find coffee. Maybe I'll be able to get back on here during lunch. . . or maybe I'll sleep in a hammock. Either way, I'll finish this entry today. Because I really do want to talk about sloths, conflict, and communism.

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It's now lunch time and I am (again) in the computer lounge waiting for stuff to load. So now I'll write.

Part I: Sloths
I saw some sloths this weekend, which was awesome. It would have been a little more awesome if they were wild and out in nature (we were at the "Peace Lodge" and it was like a fancy zoo. Apparently there's good reasons for the animals being there. . . rehabilitation or something), but I'll take what I can get. This whole weekend was a lot of fun! Saturday we went up to a volcano, which was cool, and then over to the Peace Lodge where we saw sloths and butterflies and jaguars and other cool animals. And had a delicious lunch. And did other cool stuff.

And YESTERDAY we went rafting, which was AWESOME! Super, duper fun. Here's a little tip for when you go rafting (one that I've mastered): don't choose your boat, choose your GUIDE. I chose (and convinced some people I like to choose) Kevin. He was great. Super funny and super fun. At one point, he had one side of the boat sit backwards so that when we all paddled, we would spin in circles. He let us, one by one, "ride the bull" down some of the smaller rapids, meaning sit on the front of the boat and hold on with one arm. He told us all the places that were calm that we could jump out and swim along side the boat. He let us jump off a big rock into the river! (none of the other boats got to do that). He showed me which trees the sloths live in (. . . as hard as I looked, I never saw one. But that wasn't his fault). Basically, he was awesome. I think everyone had a really great time - even if they weren't on our boat.

At the end of the trip, we had the options to buy photos. We could either divide it between boats (each boat pays $40 and gets all the pictures/videos taken of their boat) or divide it between everyone (everyone pays $6 and gets all the pictures of everyone). This leads me to my next topic: communism. (Apparently I'm rearranging topics).

Part II: Communism
I wouldn't say that I was ever a "communist," but I did see the value in it. Working together for the betterment of the community, everyone doing their own part, etc. etc. . . . It sounds nice. A little utopian, perhaps, but it still sounded nice. And perhaps. . . possible?

But I get it now! I get why it won't work!

When we were deciding how to do pictures, I asked everyone "who really, really doesn't want to pay for pictures." There were 5 people, so we just took them out and had everyone pay $7 for everything instead of $6. Still a pretty good deal. But then later a girl, let's call her Barbie, was talking and she said, "I just feel bad, because I know I'm going to get the pictures or someone else is going to put them of facebook or something, but I just don't want to pay for them." (For the record, it was said more whiney than sincere). In my head, I replied, "Well there are two ways to make yourself feel better: a) pay for what you're getting, or b) don't take it when it's offered to you, untag yourself from pictures, whatever." I didn't say that, though, because I knew Barbie would be defensive and not at all receptive to what I had to say. Instead I kept my mouth shut, and I'm glad I did because that's when Jamie (one of the leaders on the trip) said something super simple: "Well, that's communism."

AND NOW I GET IT. The reason why communism would never work is because it involves PEOPLE.

I expect people to be willing to work for the betterment of the group, or for the benefit of other people, witht he expectation of "what goes around comes around," because that's basically how I work. But I forget that I'm not everyone, and that's not how people work in general. I didn't really care about the pictures, but I know that for some people it was really important to them, and they wouldn't be able to do it unless the whole group pitched in. So I pitched in. I know that Barbie could have done it, even if it wasn't super convenient, because I'll bet you anything that if that trip cost $96 instead of $90, she would have still been there. But people (in general, not just Barbie) live by the mentality of "What do I want, how can I get it, and how will this benefit me?" And this totally isn't a judgement call on my part. We all have our different vices, we all have our different experiences that make us the way we are, & if you're feeling defensive, it means that I've said something wrong because that wasn't my intention at all.

My intention was to share my realization that people will put their own needs/wants over the needs/wants of the group. Somehow, in my last 21 years, I missed that! So that's all I'm going to say about that. Moving on.

Part III: Conflict
Ironically, I think studying here at the University for Peace has taught me more about conflict than about peace. So often at Berkeley I hear PACS (Peace & Conflict Studies)kids say, "well, why don't they just solve it diplomatically?" or "why don't they just talk it out" or "if we could just get the leader in a room together, we'll be able to solve everything."

Nope.

I am surprised about the level of communication skills. Or rather, lack there of. These are some of the brightest undergraduate and graduate students in this field, and you put us in a room together and give us a subject . . . AND NOTHING GETS DONE!

Why?

Because nobody is listening. It's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO frustrating. I just want to yell at people, "Shut up! We've heard your opinion 14 thousand times. We get it! We know what you think! Just shut up for 10 minutes and listen to what the other people have to say!" (wow, apparently inside my head is really angry). Of course I'm not speaking about everyone in the program, but I feel like a lot of people come in with a plan to show everyone why their solution is the right one, or why their way of thinking about a problem is the correct one. When other people are talking, they're not listening. They're thinking about what they're going to say next. If they ARE listening, they're listening to figure out how to rebuttel. THIS ISN'T DEBATE CAMP! WE'RE ON THE SAME SIDE! People cut each other off, shoot down each other's solutions, don't let people talk. . . it's embarrassing.

No wonder states go to war when they have a conflict! Here are kids that are all on the same side trying to solve the same problems, and we can't communicate! How could you possibly expect leaders of countries who are far more embedded in their way of thinking and invested in the results of the negotiation to do anything more than argue, when all we do is argue ourselves?

(But it's secret arguing. Not much yelling, mostly this phrase: "That's interesting, but. . ." Translating to, "What you said was dumb, here's the right answer. . ."

On the one hand, I'm excited for our future, because if these are the leaders of tomorrow, there's one thing that you can deffintely say about them: they're passionate about good causes. On the other hand, though, it makes me kind of nervous that everyone keeps yelling, "Communication! That's the way to solve the world's problems!!!!" . . . yet it seems like nobody knows how to communicate.

Everyone here knows SO much, and I am SO enjoying being able to sit it a room with so much wisdom and experience (even if it is being shot across the room like bullets) and soak it all up. And I'm (DEFINITELY!!!!) not saying I'm a perferct communicator. But I do wish that people would recognize that we have two ears and one mouth, and they should be used proportionatley.

Alive

Hey everyone.
I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm alive and exhausted.

School is awesome.
The people are awesome.
Costa Rica is awesome. (it rains a lot).

And I get to go white water rafting tomorrow.

I have to be AT the bus stop at 5:30AM, so I'm going to pack my bag and go to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. But I just wanted to let you know all is well.

Night.

Empowerment & Mountains

"Seek first to understand, and then to be understood."

That's the quote I'm trying to live by here at UPeace. I already know what I think, but right now I am surrounded my SO many people from SO many backgrounds. Why waste my time announcing what I think when a) it's not asked for, b) I already know what I think, and c) there are probably other people that have more first hand experience on the topic we're learning about that I can learn from, as opposed to me inserting my researched or assumed opinions.

If someone asks me, I'll talk. Or if I feel like something is missing, I'll add it. But for now, I'm incredibly happy soaking up the knowledge that I have the blessing of being surrounded by.

We had our first day of real class today, and then our first discussions. It was . . . awesome. To have so many different experiences, backgrounds, and point of view all in the same room, ready to learn from each other was really cool.

"Seek first to understand and then to be understood"

That quote was running though my mind the whole time. I didn't have to worry about trying to come up with MY response, I could just listen. I didn't have to distract myself by seeing how their opinions compared to MY opinions, I could just use all my energy to try and understand what they were saying as fully as possible.

It was freeing. And one of the best educational experiences I've ever had.

And now it's my turn to talk. Forgive me, but this will be more processing aloud instead of a fully formulated thought.

Today we talked a little bit about "empowerment" and someone brought up the alternative title of "capacity building" or even "capacity opperation." But the term "empowerment" got to me. I hear so often of empowering this group or empowering that group. Empowering women. Empowering the rural population. Empowering . . . whoever.

And it got me thinking. . . can you do that? I mean, can you really do that? It sounds like you're granting them power, but is it really power than after all?

I just looked it up.

Empower: to give power or authority to; authorize, especially by legal or official means.

See, now that just brings up so many issues for me. The first is obvious - Who are we to empower anybody else? What authority do we have to grant anyone power at all?

I feel like other people could agree with me on those questions. The other issue I have may not be so popular.

How can power that is granted not earned be effectively, consciously, and responsibly used?

Have you ever climbed a mountain before?

Picture this with me.

You're climbing a mountain. You start off not really knowing what the trail will look like, but knowing you want to get to the top. You start off, and it's not so bad. A log is in the way, but you step over it. There's a muddy spot, but you avoid it. The mountain gets steeper, and you're breathing harder now. A nagging voice starts up in the back of your head telling you that you won't make it, and maybe you should just turn back. You take a book out of your bag and drop it to the ground - unecessary weight. Steeper still. You climb. Your lungs feel like they won't fill to capacity, and you've worn the wrong shoes. The voice in your head gets louder, but you ignore it. Luckily for you, the sound of your heart pounding so hard in your ears overpowers the nagging voice in your head. Your head feels like it might explode, and you rest for a second. The voice comes back louder, and you consider turning around. But you don't know how much further it is to the top - maybe just around the corner, and you can't turn back now. You push on. One step in front of the other, you climb. You're limping now, and you find a walking stick to help support yourself. Panting, sweating, you finally enter a clearing. You have made it. You crumple to the ground and lay on your back, watching the clouds slowly pass by. You've made it. You made it up the mountain. Once your breath comes back to you and the inner pounding stops, you roll to your belly, get on your hands and knees, and then to your feet. For the first time, you're able to take in the view. On the left, you see the ocean. It sparkles and dances out as far as you can see. On the right, you see green. Just green, except for the few spots marking the towns. You've made it. It's the most beautiful view you've ever seen, and you're proud of yourself for making the climb. You didn't know if you could do it, but you knew it was important to you. You knew you needed to be here, looking at this view, having this victory. You earned it.


Now picture this: Someone tells you to get into a helicopter at the bottom of some big hill and you get in. It's a cool ride and in three minutes you're at the top. It's a pretty view. Water on the left, some trees on the right. Cool. You feel satisfied, saw all you need to see, and are ready to leave.

So I guess my question is, by "empowering" people, are we really cheating them? Are we pushing them into something they don't want to do? Are we taking away their chance for personal ownership, victory, and accomplishment?

Do I think that everyone DESERVES gender equality, access to education, safety, health, fair representation, etc.? Duh. But I also think that along with that, people DESERVE ownership of their lives and the ability to make their own choices. Being shoved into a helicopter - however well intentioned the shove was - is not freedom.

When people walk up mountains, they are fighting mental demons on the way up. They have to constantly have in mind their goal, whether it's reach the top or put one foot in front of the other. When they reach the top, they are stronger for it, both mentally and physically.

Now compare this to development or peace building, or whatever have you. As they climb the mountain, they are batteling deamons. They may have things they need to unpack from their backpack in order to reach the top - policies that aren't working, counter productive leaders, etc. - they may need to take on new tools to help in their journey - education, financial redistribution, whatever - in order to help them on their way. By the time they've reached the top of whatever mountain they've chosen to climb, they're prepared to be there. Through trial and error, they've constructed a program and plan that may not be perfect, but a) it's theirs, b) they have ownership and commitment to it, c) it worked well enough to get them to the top, and d) they've altered it before and are able to alter it again if the need comes up. They are prepared to face the challenges that will undoubtedly eventually face them.

On the other hand, stick a bunch of "rural, indegenous, tribal" women on the top of a mountain and call them empowered, and you'll have a mess on your hands. They may not want to be there, they may try and get off, they may not understand what it means to be on that mountain or what they're supposed to do now that they're there, they may not be able to face the challenges that come with that mountain. The list goes on.

To me, "empowering" people is dropping them on top of a mountain. I don't care whether it's "empowering" them through educaiton or whatever. It's dropping them on top of a mountain. We may know that the mountain is good, but that doesn't matter. It's imperialistic, neo-colonial, and egotistical.

I think a better option would be to say, "Hey, here's this mountain. We climbed it, and this is what it did for us. If this looks like something you want, we can help you get to the top." Then be a RESOURCE. Tell them what you did, your failures, where you slipped up. Give them your experience and wisdom, and then give them the freedom to make their own choices. When they get to a fork in the road, let them ask your advice, answer, and them watch them as they choose a direction. Don't push them down a road. Once you start unloading and repacking their back pack, pushing them down certian paths, or worse, pick them up in a helicopter and drop them at the top, the battle is over. I don't care what mountain it is: democracy or gender equality or whatever. If once they get to the top, they don't feel like they earned it and they don't feel like they did it themselves, they won't feel like they can handle it, or they'll feel like they can handle it, but they won't really have the right tools and experience to do it, or else they will be forever dependent on those that got them there.

This is NOT the ladder of development. I'm not saying boost the low ones to the ladder and they're good to go. What I'm saying is . . . well, exactly what I said. People & groups with success have a lot of experience to share and a lot they can contribute to those looking to change their situatin, but forcing someone or some group into something they don't want to do - however excellent we think the mountain is - ultimately won't help anyone. Once they say they want to climb the mountian, be their biggest and best resource. But until them, doing any more than offering is a voilation of their soverignty as a human, group, state, etc.

(As always, I reserve the right to change my mind about anything).

I’m On a . . . Plane

So here we go, onto the next adventure. It’s kind of fun having a compact little computer. I haven’t had this experience before. I’m sorry if you get overloaded with blogs because of it. I’ll try to keep myself under control.

Anyways, I’m currently on the plane heading into Costa Rica. Probably about 40 more minutes, and we’re there! Yay! It’s so weird that it was only 13 hours ago I was waking up at home. Well, 14 hours by my clock now, but there’s the time difference.
I met Manae. She’s a girl from Japan who is doing the same program as me. She left Japan at 5:00pm on Sunday and landed in Huston at 3:00pm on Sunday. Good luck wrapping your mind around THAT one.

It’s weird, because I feel like so much has happened and like so much time has gone by, but it’s been largely uneventful. Airport. Plane. Airport. Plane. Guess what comes next. . . AIRPORT. But we’re not quite that far yet.

I don’t know what this adventure will look like, but I’m excited for it. I also forgot toothpaste. Oh well. I remembered my passport, and that’s what matters.
When packing for a trip, I really only need to make sure I have two things: passport & credit card. All the rest is gravy.
Let the adventures begin!

(that was written yesterday. Since then, I have met awesome people, climbed a mountain, and missed my tele-bears).