Forgiveness & The Future

I should be working right now. I have class in 23 minutes, and I should be working.

But during lecture today - which, by the way, was one of the best lectures I've ever had the honor of hearing - te professor mentioned something that started a train of thought I felt like sharing.

He was talking about Islam, and he said that in Islam there is the theory that when given the opportunity, it is better to forgive. And better, not necessairly for the person being forgiven, but for you, the forgiver.

I agree. I remember a very distinct sense of forgiveness I felt a couple years ago. Someone once said that holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. When I forgave, it was like I was given the antidote to the bitter poison I had been drinking.

I applied to work at Camp Hammer the summer after my freshmen year. This had been my plan for. . . a decade leading up to it. I poured my heart into my application and waited with great expectations.

I was rejected.

It was heartbreaking for me, and I was angry. I felt like I had gone through a break up. Camp Hammer had been a big part of my life for a long time, and the dream of working there had been constant since I was 7 and first went to mini-camp. Whenever I saw someone wearing a Camp Hammer sweatshirt or talking about Camp Hammer, I felt personally insulted. I was bitter about all thing Camp Hammer related, and didn't want to see, hear, or be a part of anything affiliated.

I forget what the switch was, but eventually I came to accept the situation. I felt like God must have bigger and better plans for me (that's what I'm supposed to think as a Christian, right?), and eventually (LONG eventually), I came to be okay with not working at Camp Hammer. I forgave Camp Hammer (as weird as that sounds) for rejecting me.

That same afternoon that I forgave Camp Hammer in my head, I got a facebook request for the Camp Hammer fan page. I remember starring at the invitation with the "accept" and "reject" buttons staring back at me.

I chose "accept."

That's when the flood came. I remember it so clearly. It was - literally - like being washed with cool water. Any bitterness left in me was gone, any anger burried deep inside vanished. I felt clean and light and free.

That's the feeling that I thought of when Dr. Amr Abdalla mentioned that forgiveness is good for the forgiver.

Then I started thinking, "hmm...what ever happened to that summer?"

My next thought was: "Holy Crap."

The summer I had planned to go to Camp Hammer, I actually ended up staying in Berkeley. That was the summer I took my first PACS course. Having that summer free let me prepare for and go on Semester At Sea, which fed my desire to travel; allowed me to travel the world; solidified my desire to be a PACS major; flipped my faith on it's head which evnentually made it stronger; put me in some of my most challenging and fulfilling classes that I still reference and refer to; and introduced me to my two best friends without whom I would not be the same person.

If I had worked at Camp Hammer that summer, I'm not sure if I would have been on Semester at Sea. . . Knowing me, I probably would have, BUT I wouldn't have had nearly the same experience without going in knowing what I knew from that PACS class. That one PACS class (that, according to me 3 years ago, I wasn't supposed to take because I was supposed to be at Camp Hammer) changed my life. I got to study under Francesca Giovani, who is phemoninal, and it gave me a lens through with to see and apply everything I learned during SAS.

I wouldn't be the same person if I had been accepted to Camp Hammer. I DEFINITELY wouldn't be hear studying at the University of Peace in Costa Rica for the summer had I not have taken that class what seems like such a long time ago.

This is one of those things that just adds to my faith in God. Things like that don't just happen. I was the perfect candidate for Camp (well, according to me). I wanted it SO BADLY. If I had control, I would have given myself the job, and then where would I be now?

I'm so happy that I don't control everything. I'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason. I'm also a firm believer that you get to create your own destiny. That I get to create my own destiny.

But I can't do that by holding a grudge that something didn't work out or that someone did something I didn't like. Only when I forgive them can I stop dragging a ball-and-chain around and give myself the freedom to create my own destiny.

You can't bend me out of shape if I'm flexible, and you can't weigh me down if I refuse to carry the grudge.

So future, watch out. I'm coming for you.